I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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