wrigley field is MILF paradise
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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