Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
