I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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