So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
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She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
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Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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