It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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