her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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