So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
