She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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