My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
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By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
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There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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