i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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