Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
