and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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