Nicole vs. Life
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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