Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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