The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
