Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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