its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
