Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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