I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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