..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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