Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
