Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
