I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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