if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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