you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
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I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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