i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
