remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
