it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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