She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
