And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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