wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
