i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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