Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
zippers are such a cool invention
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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