did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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