mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
