you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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