my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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