He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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