So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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