Someone shit on the floor
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
