the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
