Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
True strength comes from lack of pants
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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