I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
