Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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