haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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