Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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