look no pants
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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