that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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