my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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