I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
