you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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