Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
