just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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