Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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