Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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