The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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