Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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