i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
