so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
