So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
