he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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