it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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