6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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